I can recall a million situations when I didn’t ask for what I wanted or what I needed. It’s not that I’m too shy, but sometimes I have the feeling that it would be too much to ask for this or that. I have thoughts like:
- I should be more modest.
- I don’t want to bother people.
- If I ask for more, there will be less for somebody else.
Here is an example:
A couple of years ago, I sat in a cafe with my boyfriend and I ordered a cappuccino. They gave me a latte macchiato instead. I didn’t want a latte, so I started to complain to my partner about the bad service. My boyfriend told me to go back and tell the waitress that I ordered something else. Although this would have been the most logical thing to do, my first reaction was "Nah, it’s ok, I don’t wanna make a big deal about it."
If Chris didn’t insist that I tell her that she made a mistake, I would have drank something I didn’t like so as not bother anybody. That’s how much my modesty was holding me back from getting something I wanted.
Here is another experience I had recently:
The other day I talked to a couple of friends and one of them kept interrupting me. Every time I was in the middle of my story, he kept changing the topic. I felt a little bit upset about it. In my head I complained about my friend and thought “Why is he so selfish?” Why can he not give me some space to finish my story?” I blamed him for not giving me the chance to speak up.
The next morning when I felt a little bit calmer, I sat down with myself, did some tapping, and became aware of the fact that I didn’t ask the other person to let me finish my story. It was as simple as that.
Instead of blaming my friend for making me upset and holding a grudge against that person, I realized that I could have turned it around by simply saying that I would like to finish my story. I came to the realization that I was also responsible for the outcome of the situation and that I didn't give myself the space to speak up.
A lot of times when we complain about something or someone, we simply forgot to tell people what we want.
If you're frustrated that you're doing all the housework, you probably forgot to ask for help.
If you're upset about being underpaid, you forgot to ask for a raise.
If you feel that you don’t have any time for yourself, you didn’t ask for more space.
Most of the time it’s really that simple.
It’s your responsibility to ask for what you need. Your friends, your partner, your colleagues have so many things on their minds. If you wish they would sit down and wonder what you might need, you will most likely wait forever.
But where does the resistance of asking for what you want come from?
Under all of this modesty, there is a fear of not deserving to get what you want; a fear of not being deserving of help, extra money, more space, better health or a better relationship.
Deep down you might have attached yourself to the belief that you’re not good enough to receive joy and abundance all the time, so you sabotage yourself by not doing the most simple thing: Asking for help.
In my case, there was also an underlying fear of upsetting somebody by allowing myself to speak up. The fear of getting rejected from people you like can cause us to not stand up for ourselves. In this case we’re putting somebody else's wellbeing over our own. If you do this all the time, you will end up being completely frustrated and you will start closing yourself up to people, because you start thinking that they are the cause for your frustration.
One way out of this habit is to acknowledge every time you’re frustrated about something or someone and ask yourself "what part did I play in this whole situation?"
Maybe you should have set more boundaries in the first place, maybe you should have said NO instead of YES or maybe you could have asked for what you needed the most in that moment.
Take responsibility for your feelings and allow yourself to receive the things you really want.
You deserve so much more.
With much love,
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