here is what was bothering me this week:
I noticed that a lot of people on the Internet, especially the ones who are on the same path as I am, are scared to present their dark side online (talking about mistakes, weaknesses, feeling down and depressed). This can lead to the impression that they are perfect beings who master everything with ease and who have no problems at all.
When you're working as some sort of a life coach you don't wanna admit that you're life is falling to pieces. You'd rather wanna shine as an example for how life is supposed to be lived. I get it! But from my own experience I can say, that especially people who have an inner call to help others to improve their lives, go through periods of immense pain. In my eyes, this doesn't make you look like a fraud.
Your own suffering can be very helpful in order to put yourself in other people's shoes and to help them to get out of the mud.
Here is the truth: It's very tough for me to share my "dark side" on- and offline. I can talk about how grateful I am, how much I love my son, what beautiful insights I had today and I can post a lot of encouraging quotes :-), but what I don’t wanna talk about are the dark times - the moments where I feel useless, where I run away from my boyfriend because we don’t get each other, the days where I don’t speak up, because I’m scared of the response.
At the beginning I felt ashamed if I had a few bad days a month. I had this voice speaking inside of my head, "and you wanna help other people to fall in love with their lives? You should work on yourself first.” It went so far, that this voice prevented me from writing for days, sometimes an entire week.
There was this belief in me, that I need to be perfect first in order to help somebody else.
The funny thing is, it’s kind of the opposite. The more you share your weaknesses, your own story and your mistakes, the more you connect with people - the more people can relate to you.
We all have these dark sides in us and we’ve been denied a lot of times in our lives for showing them to others. Every time we got rejected for who we were, we got a little bit more careful of sharing our true colours. We became masters of faking - at hiding the parts we think nobody could ever appreciate and we learned to only show the "good" parts of our personality - the parts, which are not likely to be judged.
And because a society is the sum of its people, we see happy people on billboards, we see strong people in the media and we hardly hear people talking about their real issues. Everybody is so scared to be human and to talk about their failures and their "negative" palette of emotions (like anger, sadness, feeling small, jealousy etc.). This makes it even harder to be authentic.
We're surrounded by fakes and that makes us think, it's normal to fake it too and rather abnormal when we feel down or jealous or alone. The moment you start believing that it's not normal to feel all these negative emotions, you'll feel even more alienated. This is dangerous. It can make you depressed or - even worse - can cause you to start taking drugs (like alcohol, anti-depressants, Ibuprofen, sugar) just to be able to cope with the feeling of loneliness.
Let me tell you something:
You're not alone!
It's normal to feel jealous, alone, misunderstood, small, useless, sad, angry, afraid etc. and it's totally fine to tell people how you feel. In fact, all these emotions make you a human being. That's why you're not a robot. That's why you're lovable, because you're real.
So why am I writing all this? First of all I'm helping myself to get aware of the fact, that I should embrace my own dark side more often. But I also want to encourage you to be more vulnerable,
to share the things that bother you. Maybe not with everybody, but at least with the people that are important to you.
Speak up! Allow your dark side to be here. You can tell people "I'm jealous. I'm hurt. I'm confused." This is not weakness, it's courageous to do so.
What happens if we don't talk about our real feelings?
We will literally turn into robots. We won't have real conversations anymore. The fake part of me will have a "conversation" with the fake part in you. At the end, both of us will leave the room unsatisfied because nothing real was exchanged. On a subconscious level we all know and feel this. That's why more and more people feel alone these days. That's why we're constantly looking on our phones for some sort of compensation for the real connection we're missing.
To be authentic means to be vulnerable, to be open and to share what's really going on inside of you - including the not so sexy and insecure feelings you have.
I, for example, have a hard time telling friends when I'm upset with them or when I think I've been treated unfairly. It makes me nervous to tell them that I didn't like a certain behaviour, because I don't wanna hurt them or they might backfire at me. I know, that this isn't being authentic, because I'm pretending to be fine, if really I'm not.
Observe yourself when you're not yourself, when you're not bringing forth what is bothering you and when you're holding back to talk about your fears and negative emotions.
Light always embraces. Darkness always denies. Bring light to your dark side! Embrace it and it automatically will be transformed.
I love this quote from Debbi Ford:
“Your life will be transformed when you make peace with your shadow. The caterpillar will become a breathtakingly beautiful butterfly. You will no longer have to pretend to be someone you're not. You will no longer have to prove you're good enough. When you embrace your shadow you will no longer have to live in fear. Find the gifts of your shadow and you will finally revel in all the glory of your true self. Then you will have the freedom to create the life you have always desired.”
I hope we'll all find the strength this week to look our shadow in the eye and to accept it as a part of ourselves. That's what self-love really means.
Love you all!